~ Catherine Willows
RN, FMC-HC, NBC-HWC

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Would it surprise you to learn that, after conflicts about money, issues revolving around intimacy are the second and third most common causes of a relationship breakdown?

Infidelity and a lack of intimacy are both major contributors to the failure of a marriage or a long-term relationship. And they’re nearly always linked…

It doesn’t have to be that way.

I can’t claim to help you with your money problems, but I can certainly help you create intimacy in relationships with your spouse or partner.

Get Ready to Do Some Work in Your Relationship

I think we can all agree: relationships are hard work. It takes time and energy to foster and maintain meaningful relationships.

Anyone who tells you their marriage is effortless probably has a bridge to sell you, too. Having said that, it could be that both partners have committed to healthy practices in their daily life that have become so natural it feels effortless…they’re no longer aware that they’re working at it.

But even those couples who “found their groove” will hit some bumps along the way. A sudden illness or death within their circle, a job loss, challenges with their children, and stepchildren. Blended and pureéd families come with a unique set of challenges.

These couples will have to recalibrate in order to maintain their bond, in the face of the inevitable twists and turns in life’s road.

Our tendency in times of stress is to suit up, put on a layer of armor, and get ready for battle.

What if, instead, we have the bravery to strip off that layer and remain emotionally naked and accessible to our partner? You’d unleash a power that far surpasses the perceived protection of your heavy chainmail.

Getting Naked: 6 tips to create intimacy in relationships

Getting emotionally naked makes getting physically naked more fun.

It’s true. There’s nothing wrong with sex for the sake of sex. But in romantic relationships, sexual intimacy is enriched by emotional intimacy.

Here are six practices you can adopt in your everyday life…

1. Get to know what you don’t know.

Ask your partner to share something meaningful…and then really listen to the answer without judgement. This could be something from their past: a dream that was squashed, a desire they have for their future.

In the early days of a relationship, we show the best version of ourselves – this is the person we fall in love with. Get know every part of your partner’s “self”.

2. Learn to love yourself.

I’m probably not the first person to tell you this, but it bears repeating. In order to give love truly and freely to someone else, you have to give it to yourself first.

This means accepting yourself, honoring your emotions and fears, acknowledging your strengths, and caring for yourself first. I know what you’re thinking: this sounds selfish.

It’s not. Taking the time to know and love yourself – either by sharing with a committed listener, therapist, coach, or counselor – gives you a strong foundation to build on.

3. Remember that love is a choice.

As Stephen Covey, author of the Seven Habits series, pointed out, love is a verb. A choice. It’s not simply or always a rational choice, but rather the willingness to be present with others fully without pretense.

What does this statement mean to you? When love is not your present feeling, what are you choosing instead? Share this nakedly with your partner. You don’t need to expect a response of help, just share and feel the release of shedding the armor.

That kind of naked truthfulness is sexy!!!

4. Tap into the power of forgiveness.

In order to foster healthy self-love and love of another, we may need to forgive ourselves. We’ll also have to let go of resentment, anger, and unhealed wounds.

Forgiveness can be difficult to give when self-recrimination or revenge seems more appropriate. Yet it grows out of love and can change the course of a life.

5. Keep in mind that it’s not all about you.

Resist the tendency to interpret everyone’s actions as a reflection on you. They’re not. Every single one of us comes into a situation with a heart and mind full of experiences that have nothing to do with you but might act as a filter for how your actions are interpreted.

Take a step back and remember that your partner has wounds and scars just like you…over the course of a relationship, you’ll discover things about them that they’ve kept locked up for years. Be open to those revelations and, again, take them in without judgement or ego.

6. Be genuinely curious.

This takes us back to your first practice: being a good listener. In order to get answers, though, you have to ask the right questions. This means inviting your partner to “get naked” about something you think might be on their mind, and then asking, “what else?” or saying, “tell me more” once they’ve answered your question.

You’re not playing in a quiz show…you want to foster dialogue, not a rapid-fire Q&A session. Prompting your partner to elaborate on something they’ve shared fuels conversation, breeds understanding…and is just darn sexy.

But I don’t want to share all my thoughts with my partner.

Fair enough. Even the closest couples need to maintain a level of privacy in their lives. For some, it’s quite literal: they’re uncomfortable with going to the kitchen for a glass of milk in their underwear or undressing for the shower in front of their partner.

For others, it’s more subtle. There are aspects of their past or present that they don’t want to expose to their spouse or partner. That’s okay. The key is to show those “dark or shadow parts” of yourself to somebody – a committed listener – so they aren’t a burden on your soul.

If you’re not ready to share with anyone but want to explore the possibilities that come with emotional nakedness, there are resources you can read.

You can be emotionally naked and accessible to your partner without sharing absolutely everything with them…but the process of sharing with someone who will listen to you without judgement, help you heal some of the wounds, will make you more accessible in your intimate relationships.

I tell my clients to look at their emotions as ‘e-motion’…energy in motion. Don’t ignore what you’re feeling, and explore what your partner is feeling, too. Acknowledge your shared energy, embrace it, and enjoy it. With or without your clothes on.

Enjoyed this article? Here are three more to help you live an authentic life.

Lies You Tell Yourself That Can Keep You Stuck In Unhappiness
How We Greet People Is Changing, And That Is A Good Thing
Live With Purpose By Breaking Out Of Your Self-Made Prison

This article was originally published in October 2018, and has been updated in 2020 just for you!

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