COVID-19 disrupted the world in a way not known for decades, and its repercussions will likely change our lives for decades to come. But don’t despair…

Some changes are good. Like learning to slow down, be creative at home, appreciate family and friends and truly connect in more personal ways.

As we navigate this novel virus we’re re-learning how to have meaningful connections with our clients, friends, colleagues and family without putting them at risk. This is a novel challenge…so how do we extend greetings to the people in our lives?

As a coach and counselor, I decided to take some time and learned about the kinds of greetings other cultures around the world practice – and many of us here at home that you probably took for granted. They may become meaningful practices for us in the days to come.

Namaste…and other ways we can share our greetings.

Unless you’ve been living in isolation longer than the last month, you’re familiar with the word “namaste”.  In Hinduism, it means “I bow to the divine in you”. It’s a 4,000-year-old Sanskrit word – perhaps even older – that is a gesture of respect and reverence. Your hands meet at your chest and you bow to communicate your thanks to – or for – someone.

While many of us on this continent only experience the greeting at a yoga class, it’s been a cultural norm in India for centuries. It’s a sign of genuine thanks and good-will…without touch.

On the African continent, there is an equally meaningful greeting, one that conveys a connection without a physical connection: Sawubona.

In South Africa, sawubona is the Zulu word for “Hello.” There’s a beautiful and powerful intention behind the greeting as sawubona literally means, “I see you, and by seeing you, I bring you into being.”

Wow…imagine being greeted like that! Wouldn’t that be more energizing than a half-hearted handshake or a forced and awkward hug?

We all have an opportunity right now to redefine social contact…and the authenticity behind it. Our lives have become increasingly impersonal with the use of technology to communicate.

But in this age of ‘high tech’ we’re realizing now we had become extremely ‘high touch’, as well. Touch is conspicuous in its absence during this time of COVID-19.

Ubuntu

So let’s seize this opportunity together…and practice another social norm from the Zulu language: Ubuntu. Coarsely translated it means “humanity” but it’s often interpreted as, “I am because we are.”

Here’s how the Archbishop Desmond Tutu explained the concept:

It is about the essence of being human… It embraces hospitality, caring about others, being willing to go the extra mile for the sake of another. We believe that a person is a person through other persons, that my humanity is caught up, bound up, inextricably, with yours… The solitary human being is a contradiction in terms. Therefore you seek to work for the common good because your humanity comes into its own in community, in belonging.

An anthropologist is said to have witnessed the concept of ubuntu firsthand – I’m not sure if it’s fact or fable – when she put out a basket of fruit in a small African village, gathered the children and challenged them to a footrace to the basket. Whoever got there first would get the most fruit.

When the anthropologist started the race the children all joined hands and ran to the basket together. She asked why…and one child responded, “How can I be happy when others are unhappy?”

We’re in this together.

The coming months are going to challenging. We’ll be relearning how to function as more separate beings physically while still working towards common goals – at home with our loved ones, at work with our clients.

Yes, this virus is contagious – we can’t avoid that reality – but I firmly believe that positivity is contagious, too. It always has been…

I use the word enthuenza to describe my spreading enthusiasm and focusing on positive and hopeful expressions, no matter the crisis or challenge we may be facing. It doesn’t mean hiding from the reality of our situation, it means taking an opportunity to rethink our relationships…find new ways to explore them and build upon them.

As coaches and counselors, it’s our job to navigate disruptive change for the clients under our care. Just as scientists all over the world are working to find a physical cure for this novel virus, it’s our responsibility to help guide people through the emotional changes that have come from this challenge.

We’re changing the way we greet people, and change can be good.

If you’d like to have a conversation about ways to keep a connection, I’d love to hear from you. We’re in this together.

If you enjoyed this article, make sure to also read:

9 Ways To Create Peace In Your Life – Even When The World Is Pure Chaos
7 Ways To ‘Get Out Of Your Mind’ When Life Is Stressing You Out
How To Have Fun While Seriously Learning

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We’re all living with scars.

Some are visible…others are hidden. And it’s the hidden scars that can cause the greatest pain in our lives…but it doesn’t have to be that way.

You don’t have to deny the experience of the pain or the presence of the scar. You simply have to give yourself permission to share with someone who can help you heal.

Think of it this way: if you cut yourself badly enough you go to a surgeon to stitch up the wound – the bleeding stops and eventually, the pain subsides. All that’s left is the memory of the moments that led up to that painful experience…that, and a visible scar. But you don’t look at the scar and physically re-experience the pain of slicing a carving knife through your finger, do you?

We have all suffered emotional cuts and bruises and, when triggered, we viscerally re-experience the emotions when the wound isn’t healed properly…

So why don’t we go to someone who can stitch us up?

The walking wounded, the scarred, and the scared.

How many times have you been part of a conversation in which you start comparing your scars?

“I got this one mountain biking when I caught a snag on the trail.”

“I got this one when they fixed my rotator cuff after that playoff game.”

“I got this one when I broke my shin skiing.”

If you’re living with scars like these, you can almost brag about them – they’re evidence of your life’s activities and they don’t impact your sense of self-worth among your peers.

But how often do you hear…

“I got this one when I got fired from my job.”

“I got this one when my wife left me.”

“I got this one growing up in a verbally abusive home.”

Never, I’d imagine. Because those hidden, emotional scars are often a source of needless shame – so they’re not discussed. And, unlike the physical scars, the mental scars do have an impact on your sense of self-worth among your peers. They make it difficult for you to have healthy relationships with your family, your friends, and your colleagues.

That’s why it’s so important to find a committed listener, someone who can help you expose and redefine those scars.

Are they scars that limit your future…or times you were forced to grow?

Rather than thinking of your emotional scars only as evidence of pain, look at them as metaphorical and psychological reminders of those memories and challenges. They’ve stretched you to fully experience life as it happens – good or bad, positive or negative, challenging or inspiring.

Keep in mind, your scars don’t have to involve abuse or neglect. They could be the shadow of a dream or aspiration you abandoned – or feel you were forced to abandon – but still carry in your heart and soul. Regrets can wound you and leave scars, as well.

Our life gives experiences to us. It’s up to us how to frame them. I once heard someone say,

“Life is like a camera. Focus on what’s important. Capture the good times. And if things don’t work out, just take another shot.”

Personal and spiritual development is a process. You can either just let happen and be an observer, or you can be more purposeful in your personal exploration…be a participant in the unfolding or emergence of your being.

This will mean getting naked.

Show your scars…get emotionally naked.

Getting emotionally naked takes bravery…and trust in your confidante. You may turn to a therapist, life coach, spiritual director, minister, or best friend. There’s also a real opportunity to nurture a few relationships with those you love and trust most where you can be real.

Whoever you chose, if you’re living with scars that just haven’t healed, you need a place of trust where you can be comfortable in your skin.

Being comfortable in your own skin means to be satisfied with yourself. Often, in American culture, and certainly for women, this is interpreted in terms of appearance. However, true satisfaction and self-esteem reflect your ability to cope with whatever challenges life has for you. – Rosenya Faith

In my career as a psychologist, I found myself helping people complete “unfinished business” – Gestalt theory and Fritz Perls. This can be freeing. But the goal was to help them find safe spaces and relationships in the real world where they could be totally revealing when they needed to…when they needed to be truthful about a deep feeling, old hurts, trauma, grief, and loss.

As a life and wellness coach, I am more inclined to give people a sacred space in our conversations to reveal those parts of themselves that are unfulfilled, unrevealed, unrealized, and often unspoken outside of their own psyche.

This will mean revealing your emotional scars. But like the physical ones, they can be healed, allowing you to move forward in your life with purpose, vision, and confidence. You can be comfortable in your skin.

If you’d like to get a more in-depth perspective, you can check out my book, Getting Naked: On Being Emotionally Transparent at the Right Time, the Right Place, with the Right Person.

Or contact me and we can start a conversation about living an authentic life.

Did you enjoy this article? You might also find these helpful on your journey:

Breaking Out of Your Self-Imposed Prison
10 Tips For Finding Peace When You Are Angry
Lies You Tell Yourself That Can Keep You Stuck In Unhappiness

This article was originally published in 2017 but has been updated in June 2020.

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Do you have a committed witness?

Wait, let’s back up…do you know what I mean by “a committed witness”…?

We all need a witness – someone who will give us the space and security to share our fears, flaws, and mistakes…out loud, without judgment.

But it’s hard to admit the need – and sometimes harder still to find that one, neutral set of ears to fulfill that need. I can help with that…

The (necessary) art of being emotionally naked.

It takes tremendous courage to bare your emotions to someone. It’s vital that you make the effort, though, to someone trustworthy. It doesn’t have to be your spouse or your best friend. It can be a therapist, counselor, coach – and in case you’re wondering, even coaches need coaching!

You have to express the ways in which you perceive intimate relationships, your career, your concerns about money or your health, the daily travails of parenting – sometimes parenting your children and sometimes parenting your parents.

This will require revealing your ‘dark side’ – what I prefer to characterize in my practice as your “Shadow Self”.

We all have a Shadow…and fearing it puts us in a self-imposed prison, stunting our emotional growth and locking up the potential for authentic, honest relationships.

We need to get naked and show our Shadow Self to somebody.

Me and my Shadow.

I can’t emphasize this enough.

Even if you don’t find a committed witness, you have to give yourself permission to acknowledge the mistakes you’ve made in the past…without shame and self-recrimination.

“Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass upon us.”

This includes your Shadow. None of us is perfect. We’ve all made mistakes. I’ve made some doozies. But crucifying yourself, hiding those mistakes – and allowing them to haunt you – undermines your self-confidence. And that’s the biggest mistake you can make.

Your Shadow is your constant companion – so why not strike up a friendship? You can start by saying, “I know we’re flawed, but we’re still loveable…and we’re a work in progress.”

How liberating would that be?!

Here are the steps you can take to build a solid friendship with your Shadow. Ideally, you’ll have a committed witness to guide you through this process, but if you haven’t found one just yet, don’t let it stop you from diving in.

1. Review your internal narrative.

Take a good, hard, honest look at the long-held stories you’ve kept in your head and heart. The ones that produce guilt, shame, and fear.

I would suggest that keeping those thoughts locked up and silenced has magnified them beyond their actual harm on your worth in the world…to your family, your friends, your colleagues. They’ve been blown out of proportion, pushed and pulled, stretched and reshaped, by time and the daily flotsam of life.

Clinging to those memories once the moment has passed simply doesn’t serve us.

2. Flip your faults on their head.

This is tough to do, but will give you a sense of freedom and power…

You’ve been looking at some of your faults, idiosyncrasies, and past mistakes as evidence that you are lesser than the people around you. You’ve perceived them as traits in the ‘deficit column’ of your self-assessment balance sheet.

What if you saw those hiccups in your personality as assets? As opportunities to learn and grow? To be vulnerable and compassionate toward someone else who is also feeling inadequate?

Simply put: give yourself a break!

3. When in doubt, write it out.

I strongly recommend that you keep a journal, especially if you’re talking regularly with a therapist, a trusted friend, a spiritual advisor, a life coach. Not because it will “speed up the pace” of a conversation with them, but so you can revisit feelings you had in a past moment that you might have already glossed over and assigned to your Shadow to manage.

Reviewing those letters to yourself can trigger meaningful conversations…sometimes even more productive conversations because the ‘trigger’ has passed and you can view the sorrow or worry with a little calmer, distance, and perspective. You can really get naked with that moment and talk it through. And then put it in the past where it belongs.

We’ve all suffered loss, committed blunders stumbled and recovered…we all limp along sometimes. We all need a witness to those blunders, those stumbles, those seemingly unforgivable mistakes that dampen our souls.

Would you like to explore your Shadow? I’ve got tools and resources to help you start that journey, contact me. It’s a lifelong adventure…and worth the effort!

Did you enjoy this article? You might also find these helpful on your journey:

Lies You Tell Yourself That Keep You Stuck In Your Unhappiness
10 Tips For Finding Peace When You’re Angry
How We Greet People Is Changing, And That’s A Good Thing

This article was originally published in February 2017 and has been updated for 2020.  

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One of the least understood – yet most powerful – concepts in personal and spiritual development is the Shadow Self, unfortunately, viewed as our “dark side”.

Carl Jung identified the Shadow Self as a side of our personality that we choose to hide…and often fear. As coaches, therapists, and counselors, it’s our job to guide our clients through the process of acknowledging their shadow…and unlocking the creative potential it holds.

But how do you convince someone that this part of their self is not a weakness? How do you teach your clients to understand, even embrace, their shadow?

You start by teaching them: it’s not Jekyll and Hyde (Hide).

This is one of the first hurdles counselors have to clear when helping their clients overcome internal challenges: the iconic portrayal of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde in Robert Louis Stevenson’s exploration of our ‘good’ and ‘evil’ side.

It painted the picture of a dual personality that was innately good on the surface, but capable of inexplicable evil. Jekyll was the hero, Hyde was the villain. We’ve been conditioned to think of dark thoughts, fears, anxieties as ‘evil’…and therefore weakness to be hidden.

Often, clients come to us for ways to help eliminate that dark side…

But what if we looked at it in a different way? What if we stopped looking at it as a process of elimination…but as a process of illumination?

Taking off the mask and illuminating the whole person.

Joseph Campbell identified the concept of masks in his exploration of the “monomyth” in his book The Hero With a Thousand Faces. His theory – a culmination of research he conducted into the concepts of Jung, Freud, Greek mythology, and religion – has been played out in countless popular novels and movies. Because art imitates life, to a point.

They’re illustrated in fictional characters like Frodo Baggins, Harry Potter, Luke Skywalker, Dorothy…all characters who are thrown into extreme circumstances and conquer their adversaries with magic wands, elixirs, lightsabers. They complete their quest and return to their former lives changed, somehow galvanized.

The most pervasive monomyth comes from our beloved icons in Disney, Marvel, and DC comics. These characters are ordinary people who can only succeed when they’re in disguise. Mr. Incredible and Elastagirl are powerless to help anyone until they put on their masks.

So, it’s natural for people to think they have to put a mask on to deal with their inner enemies…

Our challenge as counselors is to help people understand that those narratives are fictional…but valid. Because sometimes we all act as if the drama is real, forgetting that we are making up our story. We are directing the narrative about the challenges in our lives. And we fall into the trap of thinking we’re the lone hero…the only one who can vanquish our foes.

Giving our clients permission to take off the mask and show us their whole self…their shadow self, is the key to finding the whole person.

One of the questions I commonly ask my clients is, “What dream or goal for yourself have you abandoned?” It illuminates a weakness they perceive in themselves…and you can explore the reasons they gave up on that dream. Chances are, they were chained to a fear that came from their dark side.

The best superheroes have a sidekick.

Here’s where the narrative can be shifted. Nearly every superhero finds success when they admit to someone else that they’re in over their head. If we don’t learn to authentically share our shadow self with even one trusting individual, we’re destined to live our lives with a drawer full of masks. And we’ll be incomplete.

Managing adversity can add weight to our shadow self, but it also brings out the creativity in people…it pushes us out of our comfort zone and builds resilience if we stare it down rather than hiding from it. My friend, the late Debbie Ford, used to say that the unexpressed emotional baggage we keep is like trying to keep a beach ball under water….eventually it pops up!

Your shadow self is part of you, even when the sun isn’t shining. Accepting that the ‘dark’ thoughts you carry aren’t a weakness can help you embrace your whole self. Every part of you carries hope, dreams, aspirations…and the memory of failures and fear. And they make you a wonderfully unique creation.

If you are interested in Transformational Living, head over to my contact page to schedule a call today. 

Enjoyed this article? Here are three more to help you live an authentic life.

The Big Reason You’ve Gotta Show Your Dark Side In Order To Be Happy
We Want a Compelling Future, One Where We Live Freer
The Power Of Getting Truly Emotionally Naked With Each Other

This article was originally published in 2018, and has been updated just for you on the 14th of May, 2020. 

The post How to Uncover the Hidden Parts of Your Personality appeared first on Dr. Patrick Williams.

I have counseled and coached others for years about the stages of grief after loss, and the various strategies for coping and moving on. And now I have the heart wrenching experience myself with the loss of my wife and best friend suddenly and unexpectedly.

We had just relocated from Florida back to Colorado where I have spent over half my life to be closer (geographically and emotionally) to our family located there (a son, a daughter, their spouses and 4 grandchildren). The move also brought me closer to my daughter in Oregon now only a 2-hour plane ride and more opportunities for visits.

However, we arrived on January 5, and awaited our furniture arrival on January 11; excited about our new house with room inside and outside for grandkids to play, and for family to enjoy. However, my wife took ill on January 10, was treated; and then had to be transported by ambulance on January 25th. She died three days later of liver failure and other complications from cancer and hepatitis C.

Her medical reports in early January were all good, but the liver can go from hero to zero…something caused the downturn. Thinking all was well, she excitedly discussed plans for the house, family visits and vacations that could be planned.

Alas she died 3 weeks after we arrived in Colorado with all the plans unrealized. Needless to say, there is a hole in my heart…I miss my wife terribly. And yet, thank goodness, we made It to Colorado where my family and friends give me unconditional support and love. It greatly helps in my process of grief.

So, Charley Brown’s expression, “good grief” has new meaning for me. Of course, I am experiencing tremendous grief at the loss of my beloved — but is it ‘good”? Well, my belief is yes, it is good and necessary to grieve, even though it is not what I would choose to deal with. Life had other plans.

I have written and taught for years, that all experiences are good experiences…eventually. They have to be. We have to learn over time what the human experience of loss means to us and how it etches a bit the development of our soul and being in the world. Bronnie Ware wrote The Top Five Regrets of the Dying – A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing; a blog that became a book with worldwide impact.

Those lessons that I have taught now are paramount to me. My wife Jill would not want me to wallow in my grief, but to remember the life we had and the life I still have. Of course I wish she had lived longer, but none of us know the day or manner in which our time on earth comes to an end. Her legacy is bigger than she knew…and now it lives on in me with an added purpose for her life to impact how I live my life, for as long as I am here.

Good grief!

INQUIRY: What losses have you experienced and how have they held you back or propelled you forward? How did you cope? What was most helpful in this most human experience?

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by Patrick Williams, Ed.D., MCC

In our coaching engagements, we model and may even teach the power of pause…a purposeful use of silence and focused listening giving us and our clients time to slow down and hear our inner voice. Even our coaching conversations are structured as a way for our clients to have the opportunity to say what they might not have said, to see things from a new point of view, and to say it all publicly to a committed listener…their coach

As a professional listener, facilitator, coach, I understand that I need to recharge my batteries with a scheduled and purposeful pause. I do that with morning meditations, walks in nature, listening to music, or writing.

And in my life, I have needed to do a Purposeful Timeout and unplug away from my normal routines and do something truly out of the ordinary. And if you are a prisoner to your devices and social media, you know what I mean…leave them home for a weekend at least. Go for coffee or a meal at a local spot ….and listen…just converse…it is what we were trying to do when we discovered/created language;

Big Pauses

How is pausing built into your day, your week, and your year? Think about an adventure or journey you would like to do and then do it…the pause that refreshes. For work, for relationships, for health, wealth, love, and happiness, pausing and unplugging will regenerate purposeful living. At this time of the year…the end of a calendar year, winter solstice, and various cultural and religious celebrations, let’s take a collective pause…

Why do we fight in our minds and our countries over opinions? Why don’t we celebrate curiosity about diversity? In all my global travels to 6 of our 7 continents, all 50 USA states and all 10 Canadian provinces and many European, Australian and Asian locations, I have learned: People to people we are great as human residents of Spaceship Earth. And with politics and power and religion…we separate ourselves.

Let us cherish the end of a tumultuous decade and welcome a new one – we really have no choice – but what do you want to welcome in 2018? For yourself? For your community? For your country? For the world??? For the future?????

Peace

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Some of you who are wise elders will remember a form of communication we did in our childhoods with two soup cans strung about twenty to thirty feet apart with a string or wire, and we pretended they were phones or communicators of some kind. Really! If you put your ear up while the other was talking, you could hear the voice of the speaker across the string. It was a fun way for young children to pretend.

This was also the time of party line phones when you had to wait for your neighbor to be off so you could make a call. Then as technology sped up, we had sleek designer phones with twenty-foot cords so we could talk where our parents could not hear us (or so we thought) and talk for many minutes to our friends. That was in the 1950s. Then in the 1960s and beyond, look what has changed (for you who are much younger listen to this wise elder about the world today).

I remember my first fax machine in my psychologist’s office as an exciting way to watch a message or document slowly roll out of a base unit with wrinkled paper smelling of ink, waiting for it to dry sometimes. And my first mobile phone looked like the kind soldiers use in the jungles to communicate with base operations. If I had kept every mobile phone I have owned since 1994 or so, I would have a box of cables with different-sized devices and odd-looking adapters. I would also have a lot more money. Now we have cellphones that are ubiquitous and watches as communicators. Remember Dick Tracy? Okay, you young folks are going to have to ask your parents. Or Google it!

Society today worldwide is now just a phone call, text, or message away instantly. And yet the trend of communication via what is called social media has some dire complications and disturbing implications for human communication and living authentically. Younger people today, millennials, and generation Y (those under forty) are using Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram to share what is sometimes very personal information with photos often included. (I realize there may be new modes and methods by the time you read this.)

And the problem with this as I see it is twofold:

1. What’s posted on these outlets never goes away in most cases. It’s on the Web and in the cloud. You can take it down, delete, or close your profile, but it’s still discoverable.
2. This form of communication is not real communication where one can share deeply and meaningfully.

I came across this rap video from an artist named Prince Ea, and it is a very enlightening narrative about the state of our ways of communicating today. In this spoken word piece from Prince Ea, we look at the consciousness of communication, and the American rapper highlights the moments we’re missing when we’re digitally connected. It’s been brought to our attention before, but perhaps with online privacy concerns at an all-time high and a new generation who don’t want their online lives archived, probably we’re witnessing a rebellious backlash against the general movement to everything stored in the cloud and quantified lives.

As you read or watch this powerful message, think of the deeper meaning. I totally love that I can email people for my business or personal communication asynchronously and let them respond in due time. I also do love texting because that is the prime method of frequent messages or brief updates from my two daughters. But in the context of this book about being more revealing in the right time with the right people, the message is clear. If we rely on mobile devices and social media for regular communication, our brains will probably turn to silicone-based material in the next generation.

We must take the time to have real communication with those in our life we care about, either in family or business. Facebook is not really face time. It is devoid of real time, in the moment speaking and listening with no eye contact. I do realize that it can be helpful to use applications like Skype or video chat and see the person in real time. But direct phone calls can also work. Real communication takes place in real time. Letter writing, emails, and postings can add to the relationship, but they do not replace the powerful communication of real-time dialogue. The other types of virtual connection can punctuate, share, or just test the waters, but wholehearted speaking and listening need to be in a sacred space with a sacred intention.

The trend for lots of cyber-sharing deeply personal information is a dangerous practice both for untrustworthy people who scour the Internet but also because it is like your childhood diary being shown to the world. TMI, or too much information, it is called today. It’s when you want or need to really communicate, find, or develop a few special relationships where you can do that and bare your soul and be naked and safe.

As I shifted my career from that of a clinical psychologist of twenty years, meeting people in my office of safety and confidentiality, I began to engage in more executive and leadership, which is all life coaching, even if you don’t name it that. However, when I began full-time coaching in 1996, the profession had grown with the Internet and the collapsing of geographical boundaries with it. Although much coaching still took place in corporate offices, it was not expanding to the solo professional or individual looking for a confidante as a coach who could also assist him or her to have more of the life he or she really wanted. And it was now done via phone calls rather than in-person meetings.

As a professional that had been trained and experienced in observing nuances of communication in person (facial expressions, body language, and emotional cues), I was pleasantly surprised at how connected I feel to my coaching clients on the phone, and they report the same to me.

I began to understand that the phone coaching afforded the opportunity for a different and sometimes greater human connection due to fewer distractions in a focused conversation and a type of connection that allowed a certain degree of anonymity to be strength. In other words, I could not see my clients, but I could still feel connected in the space of our shared conversational purpose. Final thought and request for you.

Human connection is important….and some can be done with technology and even in real time, but in person conversation cannot and should not be replaced. So , my request, despite all your online contacts, who around you could you meet with in person and talk, and listen, and care.

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