One of the least understood – yet most powerful – concepts in personal and spiritual development is the Shadow Self, unfortunately, viewed as our “dark side”.

Carl Jung identified the Shadow Self as a side of our personality that we choose to hide…and often fear. As coaches, therapists, and counselors, it’s our job to guide our clients through the process of acknowledging their shadow…and unlocking the creative potential it holds.

But how do you convince someone that this part of their self is not a weakness? How do you teach your clients to understand, even embrace, their shadow?

You start by teaching them: it’s not Jekyll and Hyde (Hide).

This is one of the first hurdles counselors have to clear when helping their clients overcome internal challenges: the iconic portrayal of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde in Robert Louis Stevenson’s exploration of our ‘good’ and ‘evil’ side.

It painted the picture of a dual personality that was innately good on the surface, but capable of inexplicable evil. Jekyll was the hero, Hyde was the villain. We’ve been conditioned to think of dark thoughts, fears, anxieties as ‘evil’…and therefore weakness to be hidden.

Often, clients come to us for ways to help eliminate that dark side…

But what if we looked at it in a different way? What if we stopped looking at it as a process of elimination…but as a process of illumination?

Taking off the mask and illuminating the whole person.

Joseph Campbell identified the concept of masks in his exploration of the “monomyth” in his book The Hero With a Thousand Faces. His theory – a culmination of research he conducted into the concepts of Jung, Freud, Greek mythology, and religion – has been played out in countless popular novels and movies. Because art imitates life, to a point.

They’re illustrated in fictional characters like Frodo Baggins, Harry Potter, Luke Skywalker, Dorothy…all characters who are thrown into extreme circumstances and conquer their adversaries with magic wands, elixirs, lightsabers. They complete their quest and return to their former lives changed, somehow galvanized.

The most pervasive monomyth comes from our beloved icons in Disney, Marvel, and DC comics. These characters are ordinary people who can only succeed when they’re in disguise. Mr. Incredible and Elastagirl are powerless to help anyone until they put on their masks.

So, it’s natural for people to think they have to put a mask on to deal with their inner enemies…

Our challenge as counselors is to help people understand that those narratives are fictional…but valid. Because sometimes we all act as if the drama is real, forgetting that we are making up our story. We are directing the narrative about the challenges in our lives. And we fall into the trap of thinking we’re the lone hero…the only one who can vanquish our foes.

Giving our clients permission to take off the mask and show us their whole self…their shadow self, is the key to finding the whole person.

One of the questions I commonly ask my clients is, “What dream or goal for yourself have you abandoned?” It illuminates a weakness they perceive in themselves…and you can explore the reasons they gave up on that dream. Chances are, they were chained to a fear that came from their dark side.

The best superheroes have a sidekick.

Here’s where the narrative can be shifted. Nearly every superhero finds success when they admit to someone else that they’re in over their head. If we don’t learn to authentically share our shadow self with even one trusting individual, we’re destined to live our lives with a drawer full of masks. And we’ll be incomplete.

Managing adversity can add weight to our shadow self, but it also brings out the creativity in people…it pushes us out of our comfort zone and builds resilience if we stare it down rather than hiding from it. My friend, the late Debbie Ford, used to say that the unexpressed emotional baggage we keep is like trying to keep a beach ball under water….eventually it pops up!

Your shadow self is part of you, even when the sun isn’t shining. Accepting that the ‘dark’ thoughts you carry aren’t a weakness can help you embrace your whole self. Every part of you carries hope, dreams, aspirations…and the memory of failures and fear. And they make you a wonderfully unique creation.

If you are interested in Transformational Living, head over to my contact page to schedule a call today. 

Enjoyed this article? Here are three more to help you live an authentic life.

The Big Reason You’ve Gotta Show Your Dark Side In Order To Be Happy
We Want a Compelling Future, One Where We Live Freer
The Power Of Getting Truly Emotionally Naked With Each Other

This article was originally published in 2018, and has been updated just for you on the 14th of May, 2020. 

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One of the huge outcomes from my journey to Tanzania in March was witnessing the honeyguide. This bird is the size of a blue jay and alerts a hunter with a shrill, then guides the hunter to a tree with bees, which hides a honeycomb inside. The honeyguide will circle around the tree to make sure the hunter is on the appropriate path, acting as a personal GPS for finding the cache of honey. There are several varieties of bees, some small and non-stinging, some larger with stinging defenses. The hunter will light a fire and smoke out the stinging variety, but with all the trees, hidden within the hollow of the tree, is a tremendous amount of honeycomb, bee larvae and royal jelly, all delicious.

The honeyguide bird (whose scientific name is Indicator-Indicator) will wait for the hunter to leave some of the honeycomb and beeswax nearby for him as a thank you gift. The story goes that if the honeycomb and beeswax is not done in reverence to the bird, the next time the hunter is looking for wild game, the honey guide will sing loudly warning all animals of the approaching hunter. The Hadza leaders tell this story with the bird being the guide that leads them to life’s sweetness.

In life or leadership coaching, the coach partners with the client to provide support to enhance the skills, resources, and creativity that the client already has in much the same way that the honey guide does for the hunter.

In my role as trainer, author, speaker, and mentor coach, I cherish each opportunity for my clients to find the sweetness that they are seeking. And then remember to pass it on, as the next person may be influence by that guidance.

QUESTIONS:

• What are you seeking? (hunting for)
• And who might be your honeyguide?
• And when you find the sweetness you seek; do you pass some on to the next guide? There’s plenty to go around.

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When I was called to go on this trip, I knew it would be an unforgettable once-in-a-lifetime experience. The Serengeti and Ngora-ngora crater national park are unbelievably beautiful and full of the most magnificent animals and breathtaking scenery on the planet. You are walking on earth where many people believe life began, a place that has remained relatively unspoiled for millions of years. We actually saw where the Leekey’s discovered the fossils of the very early hominids and changed the course of human understanding about the age of our species! It was awe-inspiring.

Part of the thrill and challenge of this inventure was that we drove and subsequently hiked in some of the most remote areas of Tanzania. Dorobo Tours has exclusive relationships with the Hadzabe and Masai tribes on lands where no one else ventures without permission. Our learning experience was enhanced by tribal leaders who accompanied us at all camps, and who showed us how they hunt and gather food for survival. (The Hadzabe are hunter-gatherers, while the Masai are pastoral farmers who do not hunt.) In addition to small game and birds, there was one occasion where an elder shot an impala with his bow and poison arrow and quickly took its life for the nourishment of the tribe. While I am not one to enjoy a hunt, nor liked witnessing the killing of a beautiful wild animal, somehow this occasion seemed right. This is how they live, and they respect the balance of nature and what it provides when treated with respect and honor. They use all parts of what they catch and they only hunt for food, not for sport. As David Peterson said, this wild game is God’s meat…grazing on the best grasses for centuries with no pesticides or hormones. It is naturally delicious as well as nurturing to the people who live off this land.

Each night in our camps, we held a council circle around the fire. After an inspirational reading of a poem or short story, we each would share our current state of being, an emotional and spiritual check-in. Being totally unplugged from cell phones, television, computers and all other contact with the outside world along with immersion in the glorious landscape of Tanzania the emotions ran the gamut from joy to tears.

This safari was also a metaphorical safari of my internal landscape, an opportunity to slow down, to hear my footsteps in ancient grasses, to walk on rocks that are millions of years old, to view scenery that has not changed much in centuries. We drove up to 9 hours a day in Land Rovers over rutted roads, or simply over the grassland, making our own roads in the bush. We got stuck in the mud at least 4 times, and all had to grab hold of the tow strap. We used the strength of the team to pull the vehicle out. Sometimes the road had to be rebuilt a bit by the natives that were with us. On the days we did not drive, we went on long day hikes to see wildlife and to learn the ways of the villagers along the way.
Although this was not your typical safari of the well-to-do with all the conveniences of luxury lodges and linen tablecloths for dinner, I was pleasantly surprised at the amenities we did have, including delicious food, wine, Guinness and Kilimanjaro beer with dinner. We had hot showers in the afternoon from a solar shower set up in the open. When arriving at the next camp, it was a relief to see the tents all set up, coffee and tea on the fire and dinner being prepared.

There is much more to tell about my many adventures and the changes that have occurred in me both visibly and at a cellular level. I believe and feel that walking, camping, and standing on that ancient earth has begun transforming me in ways I don’t yet realize. I felt a new vitality, a new connection, and a new strength of passion for this planet and its inhabitants. And I am glad to be home with my friends and family. I am grateful that I live in the modern world, but also aware that sometimes it is a bit too modern.

With Tanzania in my heart and soul I finish this narrative for now and wonder what journey I might go on next.

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For this exercise you will need a piece of paper, a pen, and about twenty minutes of solitude in a comfortable, quiet space.

Part One

Draw a line down the middle of a piece of paper, and then invite an attitude of quiet reflection. On the left side, write the names of people you have admired, living or dead. Then on the right side, list your reasons for why you admire each person. What qualities are you drawn to? Think about special talents, values, strengths, acts of kindness, and ways in which these have become visible in his or her life choices.

Once you have completed this list, fold the paper along the centerline so only the qualities on the right can be seen. Now take a good, long look and read the traits or qualities out loud, pausing to reflect on the words. Do this carefully because the traits you have listed here about others are also a part of you. Some may be aspects or traits you have quietly tried to develop in your life; others may be aspects of you that are hiding in your shadow. Either way let this exercise be a profound moment of recognition. You have these traits, whether they are expressed right now or not.

Part Two

Now that you have completed the first task, try this follow-up exercise. Think of a handful of people whom you know you can trust to be honest, those who know you now as well as people who knew you way back when, such as high school chums. Ask them what they would say are the traits or attributes they see in you that are similar to traits in themselves that they like. Acknowledge to them that this may seem like an odd exercise, but let them know you are doing an experiment.

The outcomes you will gain are some surprising revelations of gifts you have that you were not aware of or unique ways you have impacted friends or family. By the completion of this exercise, you will be filled up with treasures that may have you feeling humility and joy.

If you are really brave and willing to be naked, ask your spouse or long-time partner what made you attractive back when you first met. Then do the same for your spouse or partner. You may either do this as a reflective conversation, or write down your answers and share later. Either way, you are mining gold and gems that have been hidden under the dust in your life.

Take it all in, and fill your metaphorical shoulder bag with these treasures. Put them in a safe place. They will help you become ever more real to yourself. On days when you are feeling a little blue or disconnected, admire your gems. They are always a part of who you are, and they will guide you on whatever path you are walking.

Read more in my book:

Getting Naked: On Emotional Transparency at the Right Time, the Right Place, and with the Right Person: Ways to Uncover Your Authentic Self at Work, Home, in Relationships, and Life

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People who will benefit from this book have a pain point or obstacle which would be events, real or perceived, in which they were damaged, hurt, abused, mistreated, misunderstood, unseen, etc. Or it might help them reveal a dream they have given up on, a really great vision of something unique and bold that has never been shared out loud. Living an old story without a new ending is limiting and prevents optimal living by perpetuating a myth that they have carried deep inside. People who have not learned to find places to be emotionally naked will never be whole…there will be unclaimed and hidden parts of their personhood that are not integrated into their being.

There needs to be people and places where all who have been hurt can share honestly, nakedly, and become who they want to be…or indeed, who they are called to be. I feel this book will do much more than merely help you choose whom to get naked with. It will explain what nakedness is, expose the places in ourselves that make nakedness an obstacle, and show how the courage to be naked can transform the way you play, work, live, and even die.

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I play both tennis and golf and enjoy them both. But tennis is real exercise and very fun activity. It is quick and forgiving…you get to hit the ball several times and win some and lose some

But Golf is a game of Life in more ways than one. Golf is a more individual game, although I play it socially with other people for the camaraderie. I have played since I was ten….and I play better now than at anytime in my life, shooting often in the high 70s or low eighties… But every now and then I shoot a 93 too!

There are many lessons that golf teaches us about living optimally and vice versa.

Here are lessons for playing your best golf that translate to living your best life.

Set up

All good golf swings start with a set up or preparation for an optimal swing. If you just swing at the ball with no proper set up, you will have no consistency and get very frustrated.

And in life, you need a good set up. A good preparation, and ready position for what you are trying to accomplish.

Presence

Presence in golf means to be in the moment, to be focused on the now and not worried about the last shot, the dinner plans, the hazard that is ahead or thinking about anything else than hitting the ball with a good connection to the clubface.

Presence in life creates the same kind of outcome as presence in golf, assuming you have certain skills, and are practicing to improve, you need to be focused on the present moment in times of strategic goals.

Back swing, impact point and Follow through (past, present, future).

A good rhythmic golf swing (for amateurs especially) requires that you understand the swing begins with the set up, followed by the backswing, setting up the downswing for impact on the ball, and the crucial piece that many amateur golfers forget is the follow through after impact. In other words, the ball strike is in the MIDDLE of the swing…. impacting the ball is the halfway point from the backswing, and then downward swing with a complete follow through. The ball goes farther, toward your target, with less effort if you realize this point.

And just as in life, we have to have a backswing (our past and our set up, the downswing toward impact, and the follow through to completion of our task or goal).

Flow

Flow in golf is when things are going smoothly and you are almost unconscious in play and hence doing well, by not trying so hard. This is also true in life…. discover a flow state whenever you can for tasks or goals you deem important.

Aim (Purpose)

Have plans but adjust to challenges. You must aim the swing to your intended target in golf. Even though it does not always go where you aim, you learn to make adjustments, or just to enjoy the serendipity of an unexpected outcome…. just like in life? Many people fire first in their actions, without really aiming or preparing in the first place. The idea is Ready, Aim, Fire…not Ready, Fire, Aim.

Humor, Lightness of Being

It definitely takes a sense of humor and lightness of being to play golf…If you get mad, or frustrated, you get worse. It is a challenging game and one that if you swing harder, the result is usually worse. Counterintuitive as that may be, similarly to life’s challenges, start with an aim to your target. But know that unexpected results will occur, both wanted and unwanted. But lighten up — its just a game.

Hit it where it lies (Don’t lie about where you hit it). Most amateurs move the ball in golf to improve how or where the ball lies…. and if you are not in a tournament then do it and either take a penalty or just play for fun…But if you are playing with the rules of golf, hit it where it lies and play within the rules. This is like ethics in life and business. You can predict a lot about a golfer who cheats or lies and how he may behave in life off the course. Penalties are just mistakes…. HONESTY in the face of mistakes…. now that is a way to live and play.

Some tidbits:

• Life, rather like Golf is full of hidden traps, obstructions, and holes to fall into.
• Life, rather like Golf, is about maintaining parity (par) with your fellow golfer. However, while being below par in the game of Golf is regarded as a good thing it is not so good to be below par in the game of Life.
• Life, rather like Golf, is littered with handicaps. However, while having a handicap in Golf allows you the opportunity to retain parity (par) with your fellow man (golfer) the same cannot be said of Life, where a handicap can lead to all sorts of misfortune and challenges.

Enjoy the journey – a truth that fits both golf and life. Mark Twain said that golf was a good walk spoiled. I disagree. Even if I am not playing my best, I enjoy the beauty and nature on a golf course. As in life, enjoy the moments of your experience. Its good to be alive!

This week, even if you don’t play golf, see how the analogies presented in this essay may apply to how you play your life.

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