Would it surprise you to learn that, after conflicts about money, issues revolving around intimacy are the second and third most common causes of a relationship breakdown?

Infidelity and a lack of intimacy are both major contributors to the failure of a marriage or a long-term relationship. And they’re nearly always linked…

It doesn’t have to be that way.

I can’t claim to help you with your money problems, but I can certainly help you create intimacy in relationships with your spouse or partner.

Get Ready to Do Some Work in Your Relationship

I think we can all agree: relationships are hard work. It takes time and energy to foster and maintain meaningful relationships.

Anyone who tells you their marriage is effortless probably has a bridge to sell you, too. Having said that, it could be that both partners have committed to healthy practices in their daily life that have become so natural it feels effortless…they’re no longer aware that they’re working at it.

But even those couples who “found their groove” will hit some bumps along the way. A sudden illness or death within their circle, a job loss, challenges with their children, and stepchildren. Blended and pureéd families come with a unique set of challenges.

These couples will have to recalibrate in order to maintain their bond, in the face of the inevitable twists and turns in life’s road.

Our tendency in times of stress is to suit up, put on a layer of armor, and get ready for battle.

What if, instead, we have the bravery to strip off that layer and remain emotionally naked and accessible to our partner? You’d unleash a power that far surpasses the perceived protection of your heavy chainmail.

Getting Naked: 6 tips to create intimacy in relationships

Getting emotionally naked makes getting physically naked more fun.

It’s true. There’s nothing wrong with sex for the sake of sex. But in romantic relationships, sexual intimacy is enriched by emotional intimacy.

Here are six practices you can adopt in your everyday life…

1. Get to know what you don’t know.

Ask your partner to share something meaningful…and then really listen to the answer without judgement. This could be something from their past: a dream that was squashed, a desire they have for their future.

In the early days of a relationship, we show the best version of ourselves – this is the person we fall in love with. Get know every part of your partner’s “self”.

2. Learn to love yourself.

I’m probably not the first person to tell you this, but it bears repeating. In order to give love truly and freely to someone else, you have to give it to yourself first.

This means accepting yourself, honoring your emotions and fears, acknowledging your strengths, and caring for yourself first. I know what you’re thinking: this sounds selfish.

It’s not. Taking the time to know and love yourself – either by sharing with a committed listener, therapist, coach, or counselor – gives you a strong foundation to build on.

3. Remember that love is a choice.

As Stephen Covey, author of the Seven Habits series, pointed out, love is a verb. A choice. It’s not simply or always a rational choice, but rather the willingness to be present with others fully without pretense.

What does this statement mean to you? When love is not your present feeling, what are you choosing instead? Share this nakedly with your partner. You don’t need to expect a response of help, just share and feel the release of shedding the armor.

That kind of naked truthfulness is sexy!!!

4. Tap into the power of forgiveness.

In order to foster healthy self-love and love of another, we may need to forgive ourselves. We’ll also have to let go of resentment, anger, and unhealed wounds.

Forgiveness can be difficult to give when self-recrimination or revenge seems more appropriate. Yet it grows out of love and can change the course of a life.

5. Keep in mind that it’s not all about you.

Resist the tendency to interpret everyone’s actions as a reflection on you. They’re not. Every single one of us comes into a situation with a heart and mind full of experiences that have nothing to do with you but might act as a filter for how your actions are interpreted.

Take a step back and remember that your partner has wounds and scars just like you…over the course of a relationship, you’ll discover things about them that they’ve kept locked up for years. Be open to those revelations and, again, take them in without judgement or ego.

6. Be genuinely curious.

This takes us back to your first practice: being a good listener. In order to get answers, though, you have to ask the right questions. This means inviting your partner to “get naked” about something you think might be on their mind, and then asking, “what else?” or saying, “tell me more” once they’ve answered your question.

You’re not playing in a quiz show…you want to foster dialogue, not a rapid-fire Q&A session. Prompting your partner to elaborate on something they’ve shared fuels conversation, breeds understanding…and is just darn sexy.

But I don’t want to share all my thoughts with my partner.

Fair enough. Even the closest couples need to maintain a level of privacy in their lives. For some, it’s quite literal: they’re uncomfortable with going to the kitchen for a glass of milk in their underwear or undressing for the shower in front of their partner.

For others, it’s more subtle. There are aspects of their past or present that they don’t want to expose to their spouse or partner. That’s okay. The key is to show those “dark or shadow parts” of yourself to somebody – a committed listener – so they aren’t a burden on your soul.

If you’re not ready to share with anyone but want to explore the possibilities that come with emotional nakedness, there are resources you can read.

You can be emotionally naked and accessible to your partner without sharing absolutely everything with them…but the process of sharing with someone who will listen to you without judgement, help you heal some of the wounds, will make you more accessible in your intimate relationships.

I tell my clients to look at their emotions as ‘e-motion’…energy in motion. Don’t ignore what you’re feeling, and explore what your partner is feeling, too. Acknowledge your shared energy, embrace it, and enjoy it. With or without your clothes on.

Enjoyed this article? Here are three more to help you live an authentic life.

Lies You Tell Yourself That Can Keep You Stuck In Unhappiness
How We Greet People Is Changing, And That Is A Good Thing
Live With Purpose By Breaking Out Of Your Self-Made Prison

This article was originally published in October 2018, and has been updated in 2020 just for you!

The post 6 Sexy Ways to be Naked with Your Partner, Without Shedding Your Clothes! appeared first on Dr. Patrick Williams.

Have you been hard-wired to harden up? You’re not alone.

Of all the life lessons we need to unlearn, it’s the belief that being vulnerable is a sign of weakness.

Vulnerability is a strength if you put it to use in the right setting, with the right person. It can unleash the potential for deeper, richer relationships – with your spouse, your children, your friends, and your colleagues.

When you learn to share the parts of yourself that you’ve been taught to conceal – your ‘dark side’ or Shadow Self – you begin a process of truth, growth, and freedom.

Setting the right stage for sharing your whole self.

Let me be clear at the outset: I don’t want or need you to share everything with everybody all the time.

Being vulnerable with everyone often backfires. You put your trust in someone and sometimes they betray that trust – they reveal themselves as being hurtful and dishonest. They take your scars and pain points and exploit them to their advantage. And you are worse off…

Being vulnerable in a constructive way means picking your moment, and your people. You need to seek out a trusted confidante: a pastor, a counselor, a life coach, a small circle of true friends.

How will you know you’ve found your people? They won’t judge you or try to fix you. They will listen to your story with an open heart and an open mind. They will give you a safe space to share your darkest thoughts and feelings without criticizing you or questioning your worth.

We are all the walking wounded.

When you’re grappling with your ‘dark side’ and feeling vulnerable it’s easy to think you’re the only one with these shadows haunting your past.

But every single one of us has a history scarred by mistakes, shame, guilt, embarrassment, something we wish to hide or erase from our life story. We are all a collection of scars at varying stages in the healing process. Just as your body heals from a physical wound over time with the proper care, so too do your emotional scars.

Accepting that your condition isn’t unique opens you up to a more genuine relationship with a committed confidante…remember, that confidante has wounds, too. Their capacity for compassion and empathy will be boundless.

Being vulnerable helps you thrive…not just survive.

You’ll often hear me say that life is a collection of experiences. And how we deal with them sets us on either a path of self-doubt and regrets or a path of life-long learning about ourselves and how we interact with the world around us.

When you approach the ‘negative’ life experiences as an opportunity to explore unchartered territory, rather than a place to block off from your mind and conceal, you are allowing yourself to be vulnerable.

You are allowing yourself to learn a life lesson. With the guidance of a committed confidante, you can process the negative emotions that were brought to the surface by the hurt, pain, or shame you felt at that moment. You can reframe them as a positive.

A healthy, fully functioning human being has at least one person in their life with whom they can be completely transparent. Interestingly, through that process of transparency, people often find they are more at ease with themselves and, by extension, with others when they’re going about their daily life. They have more space in their hearts for their loved ones, for personal and even professional growth.

The sense of ease that comes with knowing there is someone out there who knows your Shadow Self and still finds you worthy of their care gives you the confidence to be more authentic, more compassionate, and humble in your daily endeavours.

It’s time to Get Naked.

No, not physically naked – though I do approve of skinny-dipping.

It’s time to get emotionally naked.

You learned early on in life to harden up. That suit of armor you’re wearing is weighing you down…so take it off. Maybe you’re a bit shy…if you’re not a revealer take your time peeling off the layers. Find someone who listens at your pace, who follows your rhythm. But find someone.

Keeping parts of yourself hidden can lead to physical, mental, and emotional sickness. Unlock the secrets you’ve been hiding and set yourself free to live a healthy, authentic life as a whole being.

We are all presented with a choice when we start a new day: do we show our true selves, or do we choose to remain an enigma? I hope you choose to be true to yourself and find that committed confidante.

Maybe you don’t know where to start. There are resources you can read that will get you started on your journey. If you’d like help talking though your next steps contact me and we can start a conversation about vulnerability and the freedom and power that come with it.

Did you enjoy this article? You might also find these helpful on your journey:

Are You Living With Scars, Real or Unseen?
Lies You Tell Yourself That Keep You Stuck in Unhappiness
9 Ways To Create Peace In Your Life —​ Even When The World Is Pure Chaos

This article was originally published in 2018, and has been updated in 2020 just for you!

The post Vulnerability Part 1: Why Being Vulnerable is a Good Thing appeared first on Dr. Patrick Williams.

We’re all living with scars.

Some are visible…others are hidden. And it’s the hidden scars that can cause the greatest pain in our lives…but it doesn’t have to be that way.

You don’t have to deny the experience of the pain or the presence of the scar. You simply have to give yourself permission to share with someone who can help you heal.

Think of it this way: if you cut yourself badly enough you go to a surgeon to stitch up the wound – the bleeding stops and eventually, the pain subsides. All that’s left is the memory of the moments that led up to that painful experience…that, and a visible scar. But you don’t look at the scar and physically re-experience the pain of slicing a carving knife through your finger, do you?

We have all suffered emotional cuts and bruises and, when triggered, we viscerally re-experience the emotions when the wound isn’t healed properly…

So why don’t we go to someone who can stitch us up?

The walking wounded, the scarred, and the scared.

How many times have you been part of a conversation in which you start comparing your scars?

“I got this one mountain biking when I caught a snag on the trail.”

“I got this one when they fixed my rotator cuff after that playoff game.”

“I got this one when I broke my shin skiing.”

If you’re living with scars like these, you can almost brag about them – they’re evidence of your life’s activities and they don’t impact your sense of self-worth among your peers.

But how often do you hear…

“I got this one when I got fired from my job.”

“I got this one when my wife left me.”

“I got this one growing up in a verbally abusive home.”

Never, I’d imagine. Because those hidden, emotional scars are often a source of needless shame – so they’re not discussed. And, unlike the physical scars, the mental scars do have an impact on your sense of self-worth among your peers. They make it difficult for you to have healthy relationships with your family, your friends, and your colleagues.

That’s why it’s so important to find a committed listener, someone who can help you expose and redefine those scars.

Are they scars that limit your future…or times you were forced to grow?

Rather than thinking of your emotional scars only as evidence of pain, look at them as metaphorical and psychological reminders of those memories and challenges. They’ve stretched you to fully experience life as it happens – good or bad, positive or negative, challenging or inspiring.

Keep in mind, your scars don’t have to involve abuse or neglect. They could be the shadow of a dream or aspiration you abandoned – or feel you were forced to abandon – but still carry in your heart and soul. Regrets can wound you and leave scars, as well.

Our life gives experiences to us. It’s up to us how to frame them. I once heard someone say,

“Life is like a camera. Focus on what’s important. Capture the good times. And if things don’t work out, just take another shot.”

Personal and spiritual development is a process. You can either just let happen and be an observer, or you can be more purposeful in your personal exploration…be a participant in the unfolding or emergence of your being.

This will mean getting naked.

Show your scars…get emotionally naked.

Getting emotionally naked takes bravery…and trust in your confidante. You may turn to a therapist, life coach, spiritual director, minister, or best friend. There’s also a real opportunity to nurture a few relationships with those you love and trust most where you can be real.

Whoever you chose, if you’re living with scars that just haven’t healed, you need a place of trust where you can be comfortable in your skin.

Being comfortable in your own skin means to be satisfied with yourself. Often, in American culture, and certainly for women, this is interpreted in terms of appearance. However, true satisfaction and self-esteem reflect your ability to cope with whatever challenges life has for you. – Rosenya Faith

In my career as a psychologist, I found myself helping people complete “unfinished business” – Gestalt theory and Fritz Perls. This can be freeing. But the goal was to help them find safe spaces and relationships in the real world where they could be totally revealing when they needed to…when they needed to be truthful about a deep feeling, old hurts, trauma, grief, and loss.

As a life and wellness coach, I am more inclined to give people a sacred space in our conversations to reveal those parts of themselves that are unfulfilled, unrevealed, unrealized, and often unspoken outside of their own psyche.

This will mean revealing your emotional scars. But like the physical ones, they can be healed, allowing you to move forward in your life with purpose, vision, and confidence. You can be comfortable in your skin.

If you’d like to get a more in-depth perspective, you can check out my book, Getting Naked: On Being Emotionally Transparent at the Right Time, the Right Place, with the Right Person.

Or contact me and we can start a conversation about living an authentic life.

Did you enjoy this article? You might also find these helpful on your journey:

Breaking Out of Your Self-Imposed Prison
10 Tips For Finding Peace When You Are Angry
Lies You Tell Yourself That Can Keep You Stuck In Unhappiness

This article was originally published in 2017 but has been updated in June 2020.

The post Are you Living with Scars, Real or Unseen? appeared first on Dr. Patrick Williams.

Do you have a committed witness?

Wait, let’s back up…do you know what I mean by “a committed witness”…?

We all need a witness – someone who will give us the space and security to share our fears, flaws, and mistakes…out loud, without judgment.

But it’s hard to admit the need – and sometimes harder still to find that one, neutral set of ears to fulfill that need. I can help with that…

The (necessary) art of being emotionally naked.

It takes tremendous courage to bare your emotions to someone. It’s vital that you make the effort, though, to someone trustworthy. It doesn’t have to be your spouse or your best friend. It can be a therapist, counselor, coach – and in case you’re wondering, even coaches need coaching!

You have to express the ways in which you perceive intimate relationships, your career, your concerns about money or your health, the daily travails of parenting – sometimes parenting your children and sometimes parenting your parents.

This will require revealing your ‘dark side’ – what I prefer to characterize in my practice as your “Shadow Self”.

We all have a Shadow…and fearing it puts us in a self-imposed prison, stunting our emotional growth and locking up the potential for authentic, honest relationships.

We need to get naked and show our Shadow Self to somebody.

Me and my Shadow.

I can’t emphasize this enough.

Even if you don’t find a committed witness, you have to give yourself permission to acknowledge the mistakes you’ve made in the past…without shame and self-recrimination.

“Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass upon us.”

This includes your Shadow. None of us is perfect. We’ve all made mistakes. I’ve made some doozies. But crucifying yourself, hiding those mistakes – and allowing them to haunt you – undermines your self-confidence. And that’s the biggest mistake you can make.

Your Shadow is your constant companion – so why not strike up a friendship? You can start by saying, “I know we’re flawed, but we’re still loveable…and we’re a work in progress.”

How liberating would that be?!

Here are the steps you can take to build a solid friendship with your Shadow. Ideally, you’ll have a committed witness to guide you through this process, but if you haven’t found one just yet, don’t let it stop you from diving in.

1. Review your internal narrative.

Take a good, hard, honest look at the long-held stories you’ve kept in your head and heart. The ones that produce guilt, shame, and fear.

I would suggest that keeping those thoughts locked up and silenced has magnified them beyond their actual harm on your worth in the world…to your family, your friends, your colleagues. They’ve been blown out of proportion, pushed and pulled, stretched and reshaped, by time and the daily flotsam of life.

Clinging to those memories once the moment has passed simply doesn’t serve us.

2. Flip your faults on their head.

This is tough to do, but will give you a sense of freedom and power…

You’ve been looking at some of your faults, idiosyncrasies, and past mistakes as evidence that you are lesser than the people around you. You’ve perceived them as traits in the ‘deficit column’ of your self-assessment balance sheet.

What if you saw those hiccups in your personality as assets? As opportunities to learn and grow? To be vulnerable and compassionate toward someone else who is also feeling inadequate?

Simply put: give yourself a break!

3. When in doubt, write it out.

I strongly recommend that you keep a journal, especially if you’re talking regularly with a therapist, a trusted friend, a spiritual advisor, a life coach. Not because it will “speed up the pace” of a conversation with them, but so you can revisit feelings you had in a past moment that you might have already glossed over and assigned to your Shadow to manage.

Reviewing those letters to yourself can trigger meaningful conversations…sometimes even more productive conversations because the ‘trigger’ has passed and you can view the sorrow or worry with a little calmer, distance, and perspective. You can really get naked with that moment and talk it through. And then put it in the past where it belongs.

We’ve all suffered loss, committed blunders stumbled and recovered…we all limp along sometimes. We all need a witness to those blunders, those stumbles, those seemingly unforgivable mistakes that dampen our souls.

Would you like to explore your Shadow? I’ve got tools and resources to help you start that journey, contact me. It’s a lifelong adventure…and worth the effort!

Did you enjoy this article? You might also find these helpful on your journey:

Lies You Tell Yourself That Keep You Stuck In Your Unhappiness
10 Tips For Finding Peace When You’re Angry
How We Greet People Is Changing, And That’s A Good Thing

This article was originally published in February 2017 and has been updated for 2020.  

The post Why We All Need a Witness to Our Emotional Nakedness appeared first on Dr. Patrick Williams.

Is there an elephant in your ‘relationship’ room?

There are lies we tell ourselves. And they prevent us from having authentic, emotionally naked relationships with the people who should be our closest friends and confidantes.

Telling the truth is hard. But avoiding the hard truths and telling lies instead – the ones you tell yourself and your loved ones – only prevents you from living your best, authentic life.

How do you address the elephant in the room…and to whom?

Well, that depends…

Pride comes before the fall…

We’ve all done things we’re not proud of, we’ve all made mistakes – and the severity of our mistakes varies from person to person.

Maybe you’ve lost money gambling, you’ve been arrested, you’ve had an affair, or you’ve lied about a life goal that lives deep in your heart but were afraid to share.

The severity of the lie isn’t the issue…it’s learning how to be honest with yourself, and honest with the person you’ve invested your future in…the person who will help you be your best self.

There might be some secrets you’re afraid to share with your partner. I’m a strong believer in sharing all the shades of our personalities – the dark and the light – but if you don’t feel comfortable sharing all those shades with your partner, you need a trusted, neutral confidante. You need a therapist, counselor, or coach who will guide you through the conversations you need to have in order to shine a light on the dark side…to bring your secrets into the light.

We’re all here for a reason.

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.
Ecclesiates 3:1

I believe that we’re all here for a reason, we all have a purpose. We have certain gifts…and certain deficits. They make us human. But how do we make the most of our gifts, and adapt to our deficits?

When you’re entering into a relationship, you’re going to bring your strengths, and your vulnerabilities, to the table. There will be certain ‘absolutes’ in the early going:

• I hate the smell of cigarettes.
• I’m allergic to cats.
• I’m a terrible cook.
• I thrive in a crowd.
• I like to be alone with my thoughts.

It’s vital that you’re honest with yourself, and your partner, about the absolutes in your needs and wants. Maybe you don’t like the smell of cigarette smoke, but you don’t ‘hate’ smokers. Or you don’t like socializing every night of the week, but you can enjoy time with friends on a Friday night…just so long as you have some quiet time the next day to recharge your social battery.

How will your partner know that you need or want these things unless you’re willing to share?

The bits of your ‘self’ that you share can be very visceral.

• I’ve been hurt in the past and I have difficulty trusting people.
• I’m dedicated to my work, but sometimes feel tethered and it’s frustrating.
• The smell of cigarette smoke reminds me of some childhood pain.

It’s okay to have these responses to triggers in your life, but if you share them in the early going, or lay down a path to sharing when you’re in the midst of a committed relationship, you’ll find a happier, more fruitful path.

Listen to the ‘still small voice’…

One of the greatest lies we tell ourselves is that our fears and dreams aren’t valid. But our “still small voice” (Kings 19:11) is speaking to us all the time. And when we embrace those truths, we open ourselves up to a world of possibilities. I call them Naked Nuggets.

Seize the opportunity to stare your dreams and anxieties in the face…and share them with the person who is going to walk alongside you on your life journey. They don’t have to provide the solutions to all your problems, and they don’t have to be champions for all of your life causes, but knowledge of your intentions will enrich their understanding…and your relationship.

For the Naked Nuggets you don’t want to share with your life partner, find a trusted third party who will listen to your concerns, fears, and aspirations without judgment. They will have tools necessary to help you walk through your life journey with vibrancy…fully engaged, unencumbered by your fears and foibles.

It’s vital that you tell the truth…to yourself, and the people in your life who want to help you fulfill your dreams and aspirations..and forgive you for your mistakes.

If you’d like to learn more about being emotionally transparent, you will find my book helpful. Or, you can contact me. I’d love to hear from you.

Enjoyed this article? Here are three more to help you live an authentic life:

How to Uncover the Hidden Parts of Your Personality
How We Greet People Is Changing, And That Is a Good Thing
Getting Naked With Your Clothes On

This article was originally published in January of 2017 but was been updated just for you on May 28th, 2020. 

The post Lies You Tell Yourself That Can Keep You Stuck In Unhappiness appeared first on Dr. Patrick Williams.

Do you feel like you’re living in a prison sometimes…one that you built yourself?

You’re not alone. As a coach, and a mentor to coaches, I meet people every day who have created stories about their past – and then their future – based on feelings of shame, guilt, and self-doubt. I’ve also met people who hide away their gifts, keeping them under lock and key. They’re afraid to share their strengths and vision for fear of rejection.

You want to live with purpose – and help others do the same – but the boundaries you’ve created stop you from following through. It doesn’t have to be like that…

Let’s plan a jailbreak together…

Change is inevitable. Progress is optional.

Throughout your lifetime, change is going to happen. Sometimes you’ll choose the change…other times the change will choose you. Either way, you’re going to experience some discomfort. Your values will be challenged. Your knowledge will be tested. Your confidence will be shaken.

The change will be unsettling.

I want you to think of it this way, though: each change is an opportunity to learn and grow. So if the change is going to happen anyways, what path will you choose when it comes along?

Will you choose to retreat, or go forward, as you face the path in front of you…

How will you respond when you’re uncertain about what to do next…

Today never hands me the same thing twice and I believe that for most everyone else life is also a mixture of unsolved problems, ambiguous victories and vague defeat – with very few moments of clear peace. My struggle with today is worthwhile, but it is a struggle nonetheless and one I will never finish.

Hugh Prather – Notes to Myself

Embrace the uncertainty.

If you want to live with purpose, you have to embrace the uncertainty. All too often, our discomfort around admitting we don’t know exactly what to do in a given moment – especially as therapists and coaches – prevents us from being authentic. Hijacked by our amygdala, we go into “fight or flight” mode when we’re in uncharted territory and, most often, our responses do more to harm than good.

Give yourself permission to be uncertain about your next steps. It’s alright if you don’t have all the answers…whether you’re talking to a loved one or a client. The key is to seek out a committed listener who will let you process your own discomfort and uncertainty so that you’re free to listen to your spouse, your colleague, your coaching client with an open mind.

Remember, while it’s healthy to reveal your true self, choosing the right place, time and audience is so important. If you want to be your best self with your friends, family, peers, and clients, it’s imperative that you find someone who can help you navigate your own uncomfortable journeys.

Give yourself permission to struggle…and believe in your ability to overcome.

Strive to live purposefully, not perfectly. And never underestimate your ability to rebound from a challenge. It’s common for people – coaches and therapists in particular – to think they should have all the answers. When they don’t, a seed of doubt is planted and they come to believe there’s no recovering from a setback.

Your life struggles are not a life sentence. They’re a chance to step back, examine how you found yourself in prison…and discover you had access to the key all along. You just had to check in with a gatekeeper…

Every experience is a good experience…eventually. Seize the opportunity to learn something new about yourself, through inner reflection or from a gatekeeper – a coach, a mentor, a peer. And be patient. Sometimes the lessons we’re destined to learn take time to show themselves. Keep an open mind and an open heart.

It’s possible to be authentic and vulnerable while still being strong and reliable. Give yourself permission to embrace your perfect imperfections and live your life with purpose.

How do you break free from your inner prison? I’d love to hear about the ways you unlock the door to understanding and growth.

Enjoyed this article? Here are three more that might help you live with purpose:

9 Ways To Create Peace In Your Life —​ Even When The World Is Pure Chaos
7 Ways to Get Out of Your Mind When Life is Stressing You Out
The Big Reason You’ve Gotta Show Your Dark Side in Order to Be Happy

The post Live With Purpose By Breaking Out Of Your Self-Made Prison appeared first on Dr. Patrick Williams.

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Yes, the world is crazy right now. But you can cultivate your “inner chill”. Here’s how.

As Dickens wrote in A Tale of Two Cities in 1859, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness.”

Doesn’t this ring so true today, too?

There are many views and perceptions for us in this world. If you watch and read the news you may become inundated with the negative, the sensational, the political and feel incredibly stressed or anxious.

And yet the whole world is not that. There are many great and wonderful acts and human stories. You may have to search for them, but they are so uplifting.

We need to be conscious of what we say to whom, and that the people (and forms of communication) we have in our lives are truthful and transparent. Even the news and movies we watch are conversations.

Sometimes we need to make choices to balance the media meme of violence and negative news with positive and uplifting media. From Falling Awake, Dave Ellis writes, “Moment by moment, we get to choose our conversations and community. What’s at stake is enormous—everything we say, hear, watch, listen to, read, and see. No choices are more powerful than these.”

Here are nine things you can do on purpose in order to have an extraordinary life — no matter what chaos exists outside of yourself:

1. Have a target, a personal mission statement, a life purpose, or a compelling future that draws you toward your desired life.
   You can only prefer your future, not demand it. Planning and goal-setting help, but remember that even airplanes are off-target 90 percent of the flight. Lots of mini adjustments are made to what is occurring in the now.
2. Have an uncluttered life.
   This includes physical and emotional clutter. Do a clean sweep of unwanted things, and then work on where and with whom you can be “emotionally naked”. Work on life’s incompletions. It is said that we all come with baggage. A true friend is one that will help you unpack!
3. Live in the present.
   Sure, you have to envision and think about your future, but it is really unknown and made up. Even your story about the past is just your story. It has been said, “The past is history, the future but a mystery. The present is a gift. That is why it’s called the present.”
4. Create a toleration-free zone.
   If there are things that are bugging you, what I call “gnats and nuisances,” things you are frustrated by, then follow the guide of “do it, dump it, or delegate it (or delay it).”

   By choosing to not tolerate energy drainers, you can take action by doing something to take care of the toleration. Or you can just dump it. That is, forget it about it, especially if there is nothing you can do. Get it off your list. Or you can delegate the challenge. Hire someone who can fix it, or complete a task for you or take it off your radar. Or delay it. Deal with it later, but don’t worry about it today.

   Why waste energy on it? The key here is not to deny it and forget to do one of the other strategies. Just give it time and revisit.

5. Give yourself extreme self-care.
   Be good to yourself. Not just nice but extreme. Reward yourself with something that gives you energy rather than drains you of energy. Get a foot massage. Go to the beach, the woods, the mountains, or lake. Go out for a special treat. Do this periodically, and you build up reserves!
6. Understand the myth of work/life balance.
   Have a center point to come back to. Balance is temporary, but a practice of daily centering and coming back to balance creates a more sturdy sense of security.
7. Say no and yes with conviction.
   When I coach my clients on living their best life, we get to clarify their purpose early on. Then when they have requests from others or demands of the job, they can consider the request of their time and energy.

   If it fits with their purpose statements and values, they say yes. If it does not, they say no. Or at least they can say, “Maybe. Let me think about it.” You can do the same exact thing. Many people do not tell the truth when others ask them to commit to something or help another, and that lack of naked communication costs them dearly.

8. Choose to under-promise and over-deliver.
   This is a hallmark of the coaching profession and that of personal or business development. It does not mean to make promises or commitments that are not well-conceived or important. But it does allow one to have some leeway.

   For example, if at work, you are asked when you can have a proposal on your supervisor’s desk. State you can have it in a week, and deliver in five days. Do this instead of promising something you can’t deliver, or that will not be polished and ready for review. I’m sure you can think of many areas in personal or family life where this same strategy can be helpful.

9. Respond, do not react.
   This is tantamount to living less a stressful life on purpose. As humans, we have a natural, built-in reaction of fight-or-flight. But our evolution also allows us to pause for a brief moment and survey the options that may be available to choose instead of a knee-jerk reaction immediately.

   Even first responders and emergency professionals are trained to react with responses available. They quickly ascertain choices based on their training instead of a less trained person reacting with fear, paralysis, inaction, or unhelpful action.

To design a preferred personal future, you need to have a plan and yet be present to life’s natural flow.

Our lives are shaped by incompletions, fears, attachments, addictions, unmet needs, procrastinations, and tolerations. Like barnacles on the hull of a boat, we must have an annual cleaning, at minimum, for smoother sailing.

Clean up your clutter, unfinished business, and wounds. Orient your life around your values and gifts. Be an observer of life. Be curious and learn what you are having the opportunity to learn.

Life is moving forward always, but you cannot step in the same river twice.

The post 9 Ways To Create Peace In Your Life —​ Even When The World Is Pure Chaos appeared first on Dr. Patrick Williams.

Whenever we hear the phrase “going out of your mind,” we instantly think of it in this negative sense: feeling crazy, overwhelmed or out of control. But being “out of your mind” can actually help you face challenges and feel happier in hard situations if you approach it deliberately.

Current research studies show the benefits of “mindfulness” meditation as developed by Joh Kabat-Zinn and others. However, I find the term “mindfulness” a bit misleading, don’t you? Because what we’re really craving is emptying our mind and learning how to manage stress, not making it more mind-full.

So, let’s explore the idea of going out of your mind… on purpose.

Modern positive psychology research reveals the importance of positive thoughts, nurturing attitudes of gratitude, and how our beliefs create much of our experience. Those benefits prove themselves out further in multiple studies that show meditation actually changes your brain in positive ways. Focused relaxation (or “purposeful pausing”) during your busy and distracting everyday demands can truly improve your life.

But, as you know, change and challenge can strike at any moment. If you make a practice of getting out of your mind and into your heart, you’ll be ready for those out-of-the-blue moments when they come, prepared to respond rather than react and see multiple choices of action rather than just one.

Science has now proven that our heart has an energy and cellular wisdom that, when nurtured, helps us live life more fully and gracefully. So learn how to manage stress by deliberately getting out of your mind and into your heart as regularly as you would any other physical exercise.

You are a body-mind-heart-soul being, but we tend to spend most of our time (and worry) focused on the body-mind aspects, neglecting the heart and soul that also require attention.

The good news is you don’t have to sit quietly under a sacred tree or alone on a mountaintop to reap the benefits of this process. You can do it in 5-10 minute increments throughout your day, in a private place you designate.

Here are seven ways to get “out of your mind”… in a good way. Each of these easy activities will inoculate you against unexpected stress and help you feel good even when life gets overwhelming:

1. Take “purposeful pauses” throughout the day.
   Use your calendar to schedule “me time” and have a place to go in your home or outdoors where you can enjoy a minimum of five minutes of quiet stillness, reading, listening to music, or meditating in some way. Those little breaks will help you feel focused and charged the rest of the day.
2. Learn to see everyday things in new ways.
   An easy way to practice this is to look at a raisin and really contemplate it. Notice its color, its shape, its texture, its wrinkles and other nuances of its makeup. This is a practice of mindfulness taught in the biggest name schools today such as Harvard, Duke, Columbia, and John Hopkins.
3. Remember the magic of simply breathing.
   Breath is the elixir of life. We hold our breath when we feel anxious or scared. We increase our breathing when we feel nervous or stressed. Yet, if you become conscious of your breath as a daily and frequent practice, you will notice a carry over effect of calmness and readiness when stress pops up, allowing you to shift your breathing when stress occurs.
4. Schedule extreme self-care.
   Take a walk on the beach, or in woods, or by water. Get a massage or pedicure. Anything that feels like a special treat for YOU, make time for it. You deserve this time to relax your mind after all you do for others.
5. Find a tribe.
   Join or create a group of like-minded people who are also on a path of “going out of their mind” on purpose. This could be a book club, art exchange, poetry reading, spiritual practice workshop, or just plain sharing of needs with other caring souls.
6. Write your thoughts down often.
   Use a journal (or write on your computer) to dump what’s on your mind out so you can better see your thoughts, hopes and dreams. Who knows? Some beautiful things might surface in your writing that could help others. Or, you can keep these writings as your private narrative.

   Either way, this is an important outlet for freeing what’s stuck in your mind.

7. Get moving.
   Take a yoga class. Play tennis, ride bikes (or horses), dance, run, walk, or engage in any other form of physical activity. Often, the process of moving our bodies frees up space in our mind. So, do something for your body today.

The post 7 Ways To ‘Get Out Of Your Mind’ When Life Is Stressing You Out appeared first on Dr. Patrick Williams.

I am not speaking here of nudity or physical nakedness (although that’s fun, too).

I’m talking about emotional nakedness.

The kind of closeness and honesty that happens with true vulnerability. Not just with someone close to you, but with yourself first and foremost.

It can change everything for your life and your relationships.

But in order to do this, you need a committed and caring and trusted witness … someone who will listen to you and without judgment.

And you need to face this “shadow” side of yourself, too.

Why you NEED to get to know your shadow:

Your shadow is an important part of your inner self, but it is often hidden from your awareness.

It is there, operating within you, and pulling strings you may not even know you have.

It is not some evil outside creature, it’s just another part of you.

Understanding that part of your everyday experience, including your love life, career, money, health, or parenting, is a reflection of your inner state, you can see why your shadow has a great impact on how you live your life.

Avoiding, denying, or ignoring your shadow is like knowing something is missing in your life, but it is too scary or overwhelming to face.

It is too filled with shame. But you can heal it.

The only answer is to befriend your shadow.

This is like pulling back the curtain (as Toto did to The Wizard of Oz) and revealing the programming that dictates your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors … and eventually your choices and outcomes in life.

In addition to taking back the power from those parts of you that hold you back from achieving your desired results — like a fulfilling love relationship and finding the happiest path in your life — getting familiar with and embracing your shadow can assist you in unleashing your unexpressed personal power, inspiration, and authenticity.

How your shadow holds you back:

For example, many people know they are extremely talented. But their life stories do not reflect their potential.

Or maybe they have a lot of love to give to others, but they find themselves chronically alone.

It’s because they are afraid to face their shadow.

So take a look at yourself, and be honest. You owe it to yourself.

Can you see how much energy you put into keeping yourself small?

Can you see how it does not serve you, or those exact people you try to protect from your “dark” side?

Can you see how much of your life force is suffocated?

Honoring these old truths, beliefs, and fears that served you in the past, but releasing their hold on you can free you.

Think of how much of your energy and inner power you’ve spent refusing to face your shadow.

Now think of how much of that energy, once you’ve released the hold it has on you, can be used to achieve progress in your daily life, your relationships, and desired results you seek.

Here are a few ways to bring some of your shadow into the light:

1. Examine any long-held stories of some shameful, guilt producing, or fearful event or experiences from the past.

   You may find, once shared in a new light, the power of those experiences will begin to dissipate.

   Our memories and fears are usually blown out of proportion, or no longer relevant to our daily lives.

   Our responses to those events usually no longer serve us after we have moved on from whatever happened.

   But we cannot move on and be truly happy until we really look at them, even if it is scary at first.

2. Try to re-frame what you perceive as faults, negative patterns, or things you do not like about yourself as assets.

   The only issue with these so-called faults is that they are over-amplified.

   If you turn the volume down a little, these faults can become strengths.

   This kind of examination will assist you in revealing hidden fears, beliefs, and even vows you have made.

   Once you’ve really seen them objectively, you can honor them for their past service … and then released.

   Imagine that freedom!

3. Make a list in a personal journal of those things you find difficult to reveal about yourself.

   If you could find someone who you could share this with to just clear it out of your hiding place, who might that person be?

   A therapist? A trusted friend? A spiritual advisor? A life coach?

   What would it take for you to imagine having that conversation? What would be a positive outcome to such a sharing?

   If you keep some of your shameful, guilt-ridden, embarrassing stories inside of your personal storage, those feelings will always grow.

   If you could find someone who you could share this with to just clear it out of your hiding place, who might that person be?

   A therapist? A trusted friend? A spiritual advisor? A life coach?

   What would it take for you to imagine having that conversation? What would be a positive outcome to such a sharing?

   If you keep some of your shameful, guilt-ridden, embarrassing stories inside of your personal storage, those feelings will always grow.

   If you find a committed witness with whom to share, you will discover a sense of freedom that will allow you to reclaim parts of your history and design your future, beginning now.

   And that is the true definition of emotional nakedness. Freedom to achieve — and love — to your highest potential.

And that is the true definition of emotional nakedness. Freedom to achieve — and love — to your highest potential.

The post The BIG Reason You’ve Gotta Show Your Dark Side In Order To Be Happy appeared first on Dr. Patrick Williams.