Do you think of work-life balance as a mathematical equation to solve?

Does it feel impossible to solve it?

There’s a good reason for that: it’s not about achieving a perfectly balanced equation at all times.

In my 25-plus years as a coach, author, and mentor, the topic of work-life balance for colleagues and clients alike is often discussed. Personally, I encourage people to use a Life Balance Wheel to examine their own state of “balance” – clients break down the two categories of their life, personal and business, and rate their satisfaction with each.

And then my clients often make a misstep…

Work-life balance isn’t a tidy pie chart.

When my clients rate their satisfaction with either their work or personal lives, they have a tendency to seek an equal balance on either side of the equation. 5+5=10 and 10 is the magic number for a happy, fulfilling life. Right?

Wrong.

I learned that a perfectly balanced equation is a fleeting concept…and one we shouldn’t be seeking. And this realization was made crystal clear when I met an acrobat.

Here’s how it happened…

My wife and I attended a performance of Cirque du Soleil – Cavalia Odysseo – in Denver, Colorado. A tribute to the relationship between humans and horses, the show involves gravity-defying stunts on horseback. It’s absolutely dazzling. I spent the first half of the show asking myself, “How do they do that?!”

During the intermission, we joined the throngs in the lobby to peruse the souvenirs for sale and encountered one of the performers perched on impossibly tall stilts. I couldn’t resist…

I told him that I was so impressed by the abilities of all the performers. I was a life coach who was dedicated to helping his client achieve balance in their lives. And I was awestruck and inspired by their balance.

He replied, in his thick French Canadian accent,

Obviously monsieur, you were not paying attention…we only achieve balance momentarily…we are in a constant state of motion!

Work-life balance is a constant state of motion.

People who aren’t seeking a “high number” when self-assessing their sense of balance between the two worlds they occupy have found satisfaction in the imbalance.

Satisfaction is relative. And more than anything else, it’s a measure of the energy and focus you dedicate to whatever you’re engaged in at the moment…enjoying the brief moments of balance in between the times of instability.

If you’re constantly seeking a level equation, how will you risk starting a new business, proposing to your partner, starting a family, moving to a new city or country?

A life of fulfillment and stimulation will come with some days, weeks, potentially months of uncertainty and imbalance. You’re not looking for an equation that always adds up to 10. You’re looking for moments when your motion results in a state that brings you satisfaction…knowing that it is ultimately fleeting. Something is going to pull you off-center.

This approach will make you more resilient in the face of change, and also help you adapt to changes in your life over which you have no control. When you accept that there will be challenges thrown your way and you accept that you’ll have a time of uncertainty before things settle again, you’ll be less impatient for the settling.

Nurture methods for managing when your work-life balance is too off-kilter.

Change is inevitable. Growth is optional.

When you’re in pursuit of work-life balance and it seems too elusive for comfort, be sure you have a centering place to regroup. This can take a couple of forms:

• Activities that bring you peace – yoga, walking, meditating, tai chi, reading.
• Checking in with a committed listener – talking to the confidante, counsellor, coach, or therapist in your life who can guide a conversation about your struggles.

These times of imbalance are also times for learning, so take the time to pause, reflect, and breathe. And figure out some action, some phrase, some focus point that can act as an instant center for those times you are suddenly thrown off balance. Your coach or therapist can guide you with that project.

Once you see your quest for work-life balance as a fluid state of adjusting to competing energies you’ll be more settled and satisfied. Think about the ways you seek balance now…and new methods you can use to achieve a balance that always surfaces, despite the inevitable imbalances life will throw your way.

I can help you with that quest. There are resources you can read, as well as courses you can take. Contact me and we’ll get started.

Enjoyed this article? Here are three more to help you live an authentic life.

Why We All Need a Witness to Our Emotional Nakedness
Lies You Tell Yourself That Can Keep You Stuck In Unhappiness
Live With Purpose By Breaking Out Of Your Self-Made Prison

This article was originally written in 2015, and has been updated in 2020 just for you!

The post Is Work-Life Balance a Myth? appeared first on Dr. Patrick Williams.

We’re journeying through some uncertain times, and anger is welling to the surface for many of us…now more so than ever. I’m seeing it in my practice, and I’m sure you are, too…

It’s okay to experience negative emotions during times of extreme stress. The challenge is to find healthy ways to address your feelings of anger and frustration…ways that don’t harm yourself, your loved ones, your clients, or colleagues.

“For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Finding peace of mind in the midst of a storm is possible. You can prevent anger from dominating your day-to-day life…even grow and change in ways that will last well beyond these troubling times.

Here are 10 practices for finding peace in your daily life.

1. Go on a media diet.

This will be difficult. We’re all conditioned to watch 24-hour news networks with constant “BREAKING NEWS” banners on the screen. Pick and choose the times you consume current events…don’t allow yourself to binge-watch breaking news.

It’s helpful to schedule a time to get caught up on the issues happening in your backyard and around the world. Commit to a set amount of time – 30 minutes, an hour – at intervals during the day. Then step away from the computer or television…and call a friend, go for a walk, or get to work.

2. Choose your conversations carefully.

You can diffuse negativity with positivity – make a deliberate effort to have conversations with friends, family, and colleagues about the ‘good news’ around you.

My longtime friend Dave Ellis explains this concept perfectly in his book Falling Awake. He encourages us to think carefully about what we say and to whom…

Moment by moment, we get to choose our conversations and community. What’s at stake is enormous – everything we say, hear, watch, listen to, read, and see. No choices are more powerful than these.

Dave Ellis, Falling Awake (2002)

It’s vital that you balance the inevitably ‘bad’ news coming to you through media streams online and on television with the ‘good’ news, as well. Go looking for it…you’ll find it.

3. Begin with positivity in your heart and mind.

Some people have a morning ritual based on their faith – Devotions, for example. Others choose to meditate, read an inspirational poem, listen to peaceful music. Perhaps something physical – yoga, Tai Chi, a long walk or run – gives you the healthy start you need.

There’s no ‘wrong way’ to begin your day with calm in your heart. The art of starting your day with positivity is to schedule the time and stay true to the schedule. Create a ritual and dedicate yourself to following it every morning.

There might be mornings that include unexpected interruptions – don’t worry if you have to skip it once in a while. But do your best to maintain that restorative morning practice.

It might be helpful to tell your friends and family about your ritual so they know to give you the space and time to practice it before getting into the busy-ness of the day…

4. Create a place for your personal power.

Mental imagery is a powerful tool. Do you have a strong image in your mind’s eye of a beautiful place you visited? A garden? A sunrise or sunset that put your heart and mind at ease?

Make an effort to draw that image from your subconscious to your conscious mind – when you feel anger welling up inside, embrace that calming image.

5. Don’t take things personally.

It’s easy to slip into the habit of thinking everyone else’s actions and words are ‘about you’…but they seldom are…

Often times, if someone is pushing your buttons they’re processing their own negative emotions and you just happen to be caught in the crossfire. Unless you know there’s something you’ve said or done to hurt a friend or colleague, shed the belief that you’re a victim of their negativity.

6. Remember that opinions aren’t facts.

Lively discourse is healthy…if you approach them from the point of view of an observer. Engaging in an argument fuelled by opinions is destructive, though, and rarely results in enlightenment or understanding.

Be willing to take another person’s perspective into consideration. “You may be right about that…” is a great way to keep a healthy dialogue going between friends, family members and colleagues. It’s often helpful to keep your mind open and your mouth shut sometimes, as well…

7. Have a committed listener or two who let you rant.

It’s healthy to have a friend who allows you to vent once in a while..someone who will allow you to visit your anger and frustration but won’t let you live there.

Resilience is a learned skill: it’s developed, in part, by expressing your fears or anger and having a sounding board to talk through solutions to the problems triggering these negative emotions.

You can master the art of resilience…it simply takes practice and a good listener now and then.

8. When your buttons get pushed…pause, reflect, rewind.

Stephen Covey called it “examining your tendencies”…it’s the willingness to take a step back when you’re in a frustrating situation and look inwards instead of lashing out.

Lasting solutions to our outward conflicts are possible only to the extent we find real solutions to our inner ones.

The Anatomy of Peace, Arbinger Institute

Seize the opportunity to apologize if your overexuberance for a certain point-of-view or belief has clearly crossed a line. Revisit the conversation with respect and deference.

9. Find a local cause and get involved.

The gift of charity is its own reward. If your negative feelings are weighing you down it might be time to give your time and energy to a local cause, whether it’s a soup kitchen or an animal shelter.

Man did not weave the web of life; he is merely a strand in it. Whatever he does to the web he does to himself. All things are bound together. All things connect.

Chief Seattle

It’s harder these days to take part in charitable acts, but if you use your imagination you’ll find ways to share your care with people in your community…and feel the richer for it.

10. Take a break from your routines.

Don’t be afraid to break from your daily routines once in a while – turn off your devices, go for a drive, maybe turn down a road you’ve always driven past because you were in a hurry.

Give yourself permission to ‘unplug’ once in a while and switch things up. Think of it like rebooting your laptop…shut down…restart…

It might seem elusive these days, but there is a great deal of good news out there in the world…and if you can’t find it, perhaps you can create it! Seek out the positive forces in your life – it’s medicine for your soul.

Do you have a source of affirmation or positive news you turn to in times of stress and anger? I’d love to hear about it.

Did you find this article helpful? Then you might enjoy these, as well.

How We Greet People Is Changing, And That Is A Good Thing
9 Ways To Create Peace In Your Life – Even When The World Is Pure Chaos
The Secrets Of Intimacy In A Long Distance Relationship

This article was originally published in October, 2018, and has been updated.

The post 10 Tips for Finding Peace When You are Angry appeared first on Dr. Patrick Williams.

I have counseled and coached others for years about the stages of grief after loss, and the various strategies for coping and moving on. And now I have the heart wrenching experience myself with the loss of my wife and best friend suddenly and unexpectedly.

We had just relocated from Florida back to Colorado where I have spent over half my life to be closer (geographically and emotionally) to our family located there (a son, a daughter, their spouses and 4 grandchildren). The move also brought me closer to my daughter in Oregon now only a 2-hour plane ride and more opportunities for visits.

However, we arrived on January 5, and awaited our furniture arrival on January 11; excited about our new house with room inside and outside for grandkids to play, and for family to enjoy. However, my wife took ill on January 10, was treated; and then had to be transported by ambulance on January 25th. She died three days later of liver failure and other complications from cancer and hepatitis C.

Her medical reports in early January were all good, but the liver can go from hero to zero…something caused the downturn. Thinking all was well, she excitedly discussed plans for the house, family visits and vacations that could be planned.

Alas she died 3 weeks after we arrived in Colorado with all the plans unrealized. Needless to say, there is a hole in my heart…I miss my wife terribly. And yet, thank goodness, we made It to Colorado where my family and friends give me unconditional support and love. It greatly helps in my process of grief.

So, Charley Brown’s expression, “good grief” has new meaning for me. Of course, I am experiencing tremendous grief at the loss of my beloved — but is it ‘good”? Well, my belief is yes, it is good and necessary to grieve, even though it is not what I would choose to deal with. Life had other plans.

I have written and taught for years, that all experiences are good experiences…eventually. They have to be. We have to learn over time what the human experience of loss means to us and how it etches a bit the development of our soul and being in the world. Bronnie Ware wrote The Top Five Regrets of the Dying – A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing; a blog that became a book with worldwide impact.

Those lessons that I have taught now are paramount to me. My wife Jill would not want me to wallow in my grief, but to remember the life we had and the life I still have. Of course I wish she had lived longer, but none of us know the day or manner in which our time on earth comes to an end. Her legacy is bigger than she knew…and now it lives on in me with an added purpose for her life to impact how I live my life, for as long as I am here.

Good grief!

INQUIRY: What losses have you experienced and how have they held you back or propelled you forward? How did you cope? What was most helpful in this most human experience?

The post Good Grief: How to cope, survive, and even thrive after loss…eventually appeared first on Dr. Patrick Williams.

by Patrick Williams, Ed.D., MCC

In our coaching engagements, we model and may even teach the power of pause…a purposeful use of silence and focused listening giving us and our clients time to slow down and hear our inner voice. Even our coaching conversations are structured as a way for our clients to have the opportunity to say what they might not have said, to see things from a new point of view, and to say it all publicly to a committed listener…their coach

As a professional listener, facilitator, coach, I understand that I need to recharge my batteries with a scheduled and purposeful pause. I do that with morning meditations, walks in nature, listening to music, or writing.

And in my life, I have needed to do a Purposeful Timeout and unplug away from my normal routines and do something truly out of the ordinary. And if you are a prisoner to your devices and social media, you know what I mean…leave them home for a weekend at least. Go for coffee or a meal at a local spot ….and listen…just converse…it is what we were trying to do when we discovered/created language;

Big Pauses

How is pausing built into your day, your week, and your year? Think about an adventure or journey you would like to do and then do it…the pause that refreshes. For work, for relationships, for health, wealth, love, and happiness, pausing and unplugging will regenerate purposeful living. At this time of the year…the end of a calendar year, winter solstice, and various cultural and religious celebrations, let’s take a collective pause…

Why do we fight in our minds and our countries over opinions? Why don’t we celebrate curiosity about diversity? In all my global travels to 6 of our 7 continents, all 50 USA states and all 10 Canadian provinces and many European, Australian and Asian locations, I have learned: People to people we are great as human residents of Spaceship Earth. And with politics and power and religion…we separate ourselves.

Let us cherish the end of a tumultuous decade and welcome a new one – we really have no choice – but what do you want to welcome in 2018? For yourself? For your community? For your country? For the world??? For the future?????

Peace

The post Take Time to Unplug & Reboot Your Life appeared first on Dr. Patrick Williams.

As I arrive in Los Cabos for a family gathering, and ponder the recent talk of border walls, and keeping people out and keeping people in, I reflect on all my travels around the world and wonder…why do we humans have such a problem with different people? Different from what? Us? Our skin? Our language? Our beliefs? According to whom?

I love diversity. In nature, it’s beautiful and intriguing. But with humans it is not always valued. I love learning about other people and their cultural heritage, their celebrations, their rituals, their food, and drink. I embrace curiosity. Then I don’t have to be right or wrong…just curious.

Why are humans (mostly governments or those usurped by them) so destructive and violent? Why is there war continuously? Why is peace such a challenge? Is it too boring? Too fleeting? Why is collaborating on resources and things people need for basic living so ignored by many?

Why do we see today the rain forests diminishing, the coral reefs dying, the glaciers melting, storms increasing, droughts emerging, and oceans rising? But we mostly are ignoring what science and our own perceptions tell us. Why cannot countries work together in better ways to solve the mutual and global problems challenging life as we know it?

Our American experiment in designing and creating a new country was based on ideals, many of which have been diluted it seems in current times.

I don’t have any answers. I have opinions, just like all of you. But that is all they are… opinions…sometimes based on facts, but whose facts? Who do we believe? How can we play a role in such a big machine?

Many of the wars (if not all) are about religion and whose God is right (and they are also to obtain the resources of the other country and quest for power by rulers).

What would God say to that? How would you know? To me, God is a mystery, and I celebrate that mystery of not knowing, but still believing in something greater than myself. I believe in a creative force in life’s beginning, and I believe in a consciousness, a force, an energy, a God if you will…but no religious text will tell me the answers…they all come from an attempt to explain and create rules and are written from the reporter’s point of view of the stories told, the events witnessed, or the myths revisited.

The post Questions are what make us human appeared first on Dr. Patrick Williams.

My wish for all who read this is to know that we all have a unique purpose, a one of a kind story to play out while we are alive. We are relationship beings who are more alike than different.

My path has most often taken me to be a healer, a mediator and a teacher. I have experienced a life well lived, and today I concentrate and being of service where I can.

Most recently I have used my talents as a speaker and trainer of life coaches and have written books that illuminate. Many of us think we have to change our life by getting rid of stuff, a process of elimination. If we eliminate what bugs us, or gets in the way, or that which we don’t like, then our life will be better.

My questions then to all who find this writing, are: Who are you really? What is it you truly want? How are you feeding your soul and nurturing your heart? If money were no object what would you be doing? How would you be expressing your life every day?

And even if you believe you might be constricted or constrained by circumstances, what brings you Joy? Peace? Hope? Ecstasy? Meaning?

I believe one way is for all of us to find where we can explore our naked truth….to get naked with the right person, at the right time and place. Being vulnerable is a fact of living, but we also need to be protected.

I believe living life as the fullest, most authentic version of you, cutting the crap, releasing the baggage that has kept you a hostage for so long, and embracing all of you—the good, bad, public, and shadow parts—so you can integrate them and become an even stronger force in the universe through the secrets of honest self-revelation. The key is to discover where and with whom to be emotionally naked. Being vulnerable does not mean being stupid and careless.

For example:

• Practice being emotionally naked at the right place and time with the right people to release your negative patterns and create a provocative catalyst for reflection.
• Discover new or hidden parts of yourself that can guide you to create a more fulfilling life.
• Apply the tools of naked self-disclosure to your life so you can enjoy greater meaning and satisfaction.

Read more in my book:

Getting Naked: On Emotional Transparency at the Right Time, the Right Place, and with the Right Person: Ways to Uncover Your Authentic Self at Work, Home, in Relationships, and Life

The post Politics, power, and greed get in the way of love, abundance and freedom appeared first on Dr. Patrick Williams.

I love parables…from those spoken by Jesus in the Bible, to Aesop’s Fables with great life lessons, and more modern parables such as The One Minute Manager by Ken Blanchard (I always wished I had written that deceptively simple treatise) to Leadership and Self Deception, and the Anatomy of Peace by the Arbinger Institute (two fabulous books) to Change Your Questions, Change Your Life by one of my colleagues and students at ILCT, Marilee Adams and her followup book, Teaching that Changes Lives.

I recently read (and re-read) The Go-Giver: A Little Story About a Powerful Business Idea by Bob Burg and John David Mann, and it is now added to my list of deceptively simple wisdom delivered in a memorable and inspirational manner.

The Go-Giver as the authors tell, revolves around the story of a young professional (Joe) who is striving for success. Joe is ambitious, however lately it seems like his hard work and efforts are not paying off in terms of results. Following a disappointing quarter—in terms of sales results—he inadvertently seeks the mentorship of The Chairman.

Joe then embarks on a learning journey by meeting Go-Givers—friends of The Chairman. Through these interactions he learns of the Five Laws of Stratospheric Success:

1. The Law of Value: Your true worth is determined by how much more you give in value than you take in payment.
2. The Law of Compensation: Your income is determined by how many people you serve and how well you serve them.
3. The Law of Influence: Your influence is determined by how abundantly you place other people’s interests first.
4. The Law of Authenticity: The most valuable gift you have to offer is yourself.
5. The Law of Receptivity: The key to effective giving is to stay open to receiving.

(From Wikipedia, downloaded 8/23/15)

As I read the book, I could relate to Joe. When the profession/industry of professional coaching began to spread beyond the corporate offices to the general public and solo business owners in the early 1990s, I saw the writing on the wall, or the view around the corner if you will.

Having been a psychologist sine 1980 and an executive coach since 1990, I could see that a more widespread interest in the power of a coaching relationship would be big! With that in mind, I closed my psychology practice in 1996, went full time into coaching as a business and in 1997 began developing what would become The Institute for Life Coach Training (www.lifecoachtraining.com).

I was like Joe in The Go-Giver. I built my coaching business and my coaching school by generous collaboration and giving my self away…or as I put it, giving my SELF a WAY! I paid many of my faculty and administration more than I made, but they allowed me to be creative and give back in many ways, and I was able to influence the lives and business of many professionals and the clients they served… What the Go-Giver would call a WIN-WIN.

Now I am in a transition where I have sold my coaching school, coach only a few clients and do trainings and keynote addresses a few times a year, but give back in my local community in ways that I am able and give back to the coaching profession in many ways as well.

One of the ways I do that is with my 10 year old non profit organization, Coaching The Global Village (www.CoachingTheGlobalVillage.org) both locally and around the globe as opportunities arise to teach the Coach Approach to communities and organizations.

I am also working now on teaching the power of different points of view in creative personal or organizational development. I use the Coaching Game and Punctum from the Points of You training company. (www.Points-of-You.com). It is a fabulous and fun way to bring new learning to individuals and groups and a great way to model the Go-Giver manifesto.

My story is just that…my story.

But the Go giver is a parable for today that may be very influential to your business and that of your clients. And it is about the business of Life…not just business… Remember, we are all to be human BEINGs not just human Doings!

Peace and Prosperity.
Dr. Pat

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